Fergie.

I had to. I just had to.
How could I not write a blog about a performer who pisses her pants on stage?

That's if you could even call her a performer. Sure, she performs on stage to her legions of fans, who I must say obviously wouldn't know music if it came and raped them from behind, but seriously; performer?

Who the hell would pay to see a woman sing a song about how she's so Fergalicious? God, I'm known to make up words but even I'd never refer to myself as Tarahlicious. Tarahsaurus, maybe, but that's just because I like dinosaurs, not myself.

And Fergie; big girls don't cry? Does that mean if I came to your house, shot your pets and raped your plants, stabbed your parents and ate their food before taking a shit on their doorstep and smearing yoghurt all over the carpet and writing NOW WHO'S FERGALICIOUS? on their wall you wouldn't shed a single tear? What if I sent a gang of gay men to rape your boyfriend in his sleep then place fresh shit on the ceiling fan so that when it's a hot day you'll be covered in turds before silently choking him? No? Say Fergie, maybe someone should test that theory.

She also ruined the Black Eyed Peas. I was never a fan of them before or after she injected herself into their threesome, but it's safe to say she ruined them. They had some remotely decent music; again, I didn't like it, but it was better than the shit they release now.
My Humps? What the hell?! For starters, who would want to hit on Fergie? She looks like a camel! My Humps has to be one of the worst songs lyrically, and unfortunately, it's catchy. Ugh. Rhyming 'lumps' with 'humps' in a terrible attempt at sexualising the song? Genius. Pure fucking genius.

For a 3 year old.

Then there's the urinating on stage fiasco. Somebody wasn't potty trained! Naughty Fergie! If she's such a big girl like her song claims, you'd think she'd realize that not only do big girls cry, they also know how to use the toilet. Back to Huggies for you, Fergie.

Maybe Fergie should go back to her crystal meth days, when she was known as Stacey Ferguson, rather than stealing the Duchess Of York's moniker. At least then there'd be less whinging coming from the airwaves.